My parents didn’t recognize me after gaining about 50lbs.⁣
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I attended a high school for a year as an exchange student in the U.S.
It was those days with no internet and international calls were crazy expensive. So, I wrote some letters to my parents occasionally but I don’t think I included any photos.⁣
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A year passed and I was super excited to see my parents back at Narita airport, Japan. I saw them, I’m waving frantically but they were giving me some frown faces. I thought..that’s odd...⁣ ⁣
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So, I ran to them and gave a big hug. They finally recognized that it was their daughter waving and hugging them!⁣ ⁣
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My over the top excitement instantly became a huge embarrassment. ⁣ ⁣
I lived with the embarrassment, the body shame, too long. I should have asked for help, I should have focused on my inner beauty, but couldn’t. ⁣ ⁣
I shouldn’t have valued others’ values and opinions but that’s all it mattered back then. ⁣ ⁣
Cultural ideals and norms totally won over me, too strong that I didn’t know ...

A black pair of riding boots was the origin of my long journey of eating disorders.

I belonged to a horseback riding stable, where many kids were really good and I practiced with them for competitions.

At the age of 13, I was skinny, but had bigger calves than other riders around.  One day, my instructors made fun of me having a hard time getting into my new leather boots, and said “You are the worst rider anyway, so do something about the calves at least!”......

It was also around the time I started feeling insecure about my body. 
It was also around the time I discovered that I didn’t want to compete, but didn’t know how to say it to everyone.  The rest of the riders were grabbing all the prizes and I felt like I "needed to want" the same.  My heart wasn't in the competitions, hence; no good results for many times. I started to feel like...

“I’m just a burden”
“I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough”

I felt like I created a big dark hole in my heart, and I turned to food.  I did it becaus...